bedtime and boredom.

It's 10:29 p.m. on a Saturday night. Nothing else to do. Kids are all in bed. One, possibly two are in my bed, because theirs are covered with STUFF that they either don't want to deal with, or don't know what to do with, or haven't just plain old made the time to deal with because there are other things screaming for their attention. Ok. I can't be too hard on them. I do the same all the time. Sometimes it just takes inspiration. I watched 2 movies with the kids this afternoon. Too much idleness. However, I wasn't motivated to do anything else, after driving 14 hours over the last 2 days, and dealing with some intensely emotional and serious issues I was ready to chill a bit. I guess it was ok. Nothing was screaming for my attention.

I just get irritable when I'm too idle. I feel like I'm wasting time, and I feel guilty. Then I get grouchy, and irritable, and I start to find fault with the kids, and mostly with me.

I'm in a weird mood. It may be hormonal, and will pass in a day or two. I sure hope so. I also miss Charlie. I miss my mate. My Partner. My equal, my friend, my husband.

I don't want to whine about being a single mother. God has blessed me in so many ways. He has made it so we're not strained financially. We still must be careful, but we're ok. Not hurting. We had a good marriage, not a divorce with hard feelings. That is a blessing. Less baggage to deal with. It's just hard to do the job of parenting that really was intended to be done by two people, with just one. Managing a household works better with two. Different ones handle different aspects of it. Now one has to do all, as best as she can. Parenting works better with two. Different people handle different aspects better. Some get chores organized, and kids disciplined, others handle the relationship aspects. Then sometimes those roles flip/flop. But it does work better when there are two. That's as it was intended. But things happen. People die. And the rest of us have to adjust. Better to have loved and lost.... Yes it is. Than never to have loved at all.

I don't really want to go to bed right now. But there's nothing else to do. No one to talk to. I kind of want to cry, but there's no one really to cry with. I don't want to cry with my kids. That's just not right. If Charlie were here, I'd cry with him. He'd let me.

Maybe I'll get in bed and read, if Abby will let me. (Wait a minute, it IS my bed isn't it? - That's the problem with kids sleeping in bed with you.)